Who isn't talking about Child Sexual Abuse these days?

Hardly anyone! The reason could be that media is full of it nowadays and every morning when one opens the newspaper there are at least one or two incidents reported there in horrid details.

That alone is enough to make one’s skin crawl. In case you have children in your family at once you are seized with a sense of dread which sort of eases when your eyes light upon your little one… child or grandchild…that soft glowing face, eager bright eyes and the happy smile! It is enough to make your heart melt!

And once again your thoughts move to that other little one who was subjected such a cruel treatment by someone he or she knew and trusted.

What a pity, you muse. Couldn't someone have stopped it? Prevented it? Ensured that the child was safe? Surely the child had parents, lived in a family surrounded by other adults in the community – cousins, uncles, aunts, teachers, tutors, drivers, servants, etc. etc. Surely someone could have noticed something was different? That something was wrong? Your thoughts are now crowding, milling around in your head screaming for attention.

Then your routine day’s chores drag your attention away from that topic and you go about your work calmly, those uncomfortable thoughts pushed to the background.

Not for long, only to surface again with added vengeance the next day when you once again see some other news of some other child having been subjected to the horror of child sexual abuse.

And you wonder – just for a second may be – is there something I could do to prevent such a happening in my vicinity?

If you do that then here is what to do.

Begin close at home, in fact at home…your own home!

More than 90% of sexual abuse perpetrators are someone the child knows and trusts.

So, talk to the children in your life (your own children, nieces and nephews and grand children) about personal safety and make sure that it is an ongoing dialogue rather than a single event because this might scare them. Perhaps if the children are not your own you could talk to their parents in order to a) create awareness in them about CSA and b) to obtain their permission for you to talk to the children. In my experience (and I have five grandkids and three step grandkids aged from 15 to 4) most parents ARE a bit embarrassed and even scared about these matters and are relieved when another trusted adult is ready to take on this task!!

Create opportunities to communicate –

v  Talk to the children in your life about their relationships with other people. More importantly, listen to the child and let him tell you how he feels about different people in his life. These dialogues should encourage him or her to talk to you about both positive and negative feelings and situations.

v  Let the children know the difference between safe and unsafe touch. Safe touch is welcome and it makes any one – child or adult – feel good and nurtured. Unsafe touch makes a person feel uncomfortable, which makes one feel funny or dirty. There could be no tangible reason for this feeling but we are to trust our intuition which is a good guide in these matters. The child should be encouraged to trust his or her intuition and not be ridiculed for such a feeling.

v  There is a tacit understanding that a child should show respect to elders and not be rude to them. This is more so in Asian countries. But on the contrary you should let the children in your life know that not all grownups are “good” and they should say “NO!” to something that makes them feel bad or uncomfortable.

v  Teach your children at a very early age the correct names for the body parts including the private parts. Make sure that they do not feel embarrassment about these parts as they are in the body to do a specific task of waste removal and that is that!

v  Teach your child that the body parts covered by his under garments are personal and belong only to him. Meaning, no one should be allowed to see or touch these parts. You could make allowances for the parents who regularly bathe and clean the child or a doctor who would need to examine the child ONLY in the presence of a parent. Explain all this clearly in no uncertain terms or ambiguity.

v  Train your children in being assertive. This would not only help them to take care of themselves in case of child abuse but also raise the self esteem to such a level to handle bullies and other unpleasant people they may encounter in the world around.

v  Teach the children to shout, "No!" or "Stop!” when they encounter unwanted or undesirable attention from anyone.

v  Then teach your children to speak about the incident with an adult they trust and that it is always alright to speak about it even at a later time.

v  Encourage the parents around you to keep the channels of communication open and friendly so that the child does not keep any secrets from them. The family motto should be that “We keep no secrets.” This of course is easier said than done – some boundaries are sure to be there especially in matters which are not child-appropriate in our conversations and dealings. But in simple day-to-day matters maintain openness and transparency so that that becomes a rule of the thumb in the families close to you.

v  By communicating with you or their parents about all the other adults they encounter in their life as a routine the children can identify trusted adults in their lives.

Most important of all, always believe the children if and when they report something unusual or unsavory to you. Support other adults around you to have a better understanding of children and their world – what makes them tick; what is important to them; what makes them happy or sad and what causes anxiety to them.

Remember that children rarely lie unless threatened. So support other adults around you to have a relationship with the children in their lives which is not based on threats, coercion, adult authority or intimidation. These power games might provide temporary results of control but in the long run do not foster healthy relationships between adults and children.

This comes from my heart – more later! Please feel free to leave comments.